A taste of homesickness. For family.For friends. For familiarity. Feeling lost. Too much to do. I can't effectively communicate. No one knows who I really am. I tear up over The Lord of the Rings just because watching it feels "normal" and my emotions are so close to the surface. Always lesson planning, prepping for the next class, the next day, the next week. Printing worksheets, searching for activities, working but not gaining traction. Rescheduling because of "surprise" events. Always a smile, always willing to try something new. The mask gets heavy sometimes. Why am I here? Will I really make a difference? Are the kids learning anything? Why is this a struggle? Why doesn't this always come naturally? I don't have the time to do everything, to make it perfect. Can I really do this? Should I be here?
Stop. Wait. Breathe.
Look, some markers. An extra worksheet from my afterschool club class. A color-by-letter. I don't have time. Too much to do. This isn't productive. But I pick up the markers anyway. I should be working on my next lesson. I start to color. The kids will be here in an hour. Something simple. Something relaxing. Through a different activity I can let my thoughts settle, my mind clear and my anxieties lessen. Keeping the color in the lines lets me bring my misgivings back into check. A butterfly. A new perspective. I cut it out and it flutters off in the hands of one of my second graders.
One day at a time, I can make it through the year. I am here to love my students and teach them to the best of my ability. I can do that.
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There is that "P" word again. Put it to death and go with the flow. You are doing a good job!
ReplyDeleteJoelle,
ReplyDeleteOf course you are making a difference.
Love your students and they will love you. Work hard for them and they will work hard for you. ^^
Alanna
P.S.: Today, I bought a French press. I could not take it anymore. I need American coffee.
Hey Jo!
ReplyDeleteJust finished catching up on your blog! What an experience for me to vicariously live a portion of your last couple weeks. Thank you so much for taking the time to share with those of us on this side of the Pacific! The pics are wonderful. What a beautiful place you are in, and what a beautiful woman you are! Your can-do spirit comes thru again and again. I listen as you self-regulate when the weight of the culture, tasks, and just plain being sick are a heavy load. I see you forming relationships in your home, at school, and with fellow fulbrighters. At your age, I was just starting to figure that out within my culture (and there's a lot of my genes in you on this point that you have made great strides to overcome)!
A part of me wishes I could just shadow you for 3 or 4 hrs every week and soak up part of your adventure. Oh well, my adventure lies elsewhere for now, but it doesn't stop me from rooting you on and being intensely proud (and somewhat envious) of my daughter. It floods back memories of Kenya in 1981. A much simpler and shorter event, and I was far younger and less equipped than you, but what a ride it was!
I'm still grappling with 2 weeks without a face-to-face with an English speaker. How disorienting.
I have been studying with some men the risk-taking nature of God. The profound risk he took to create choosing beings capable of both great love and profound evil. The risk he took to entrust Adam and Eve with the Tree. The risk he took to ask Moses to lead. The risk he took to entrust the future of the church to a dozen humans of limited training and questionable character. Some of those boys were probably not much older than you! I guess that I'm ruminating on the fact that a God who takes such insane risks with us has passed on to us some of that risk-taking DNA. When you go out on a ledge you reflect the character of God when you do. He made you to take chances for the advancement of the Kingdom in ways overt and hidden, anticipated and unknown. I think that is a good word for me (and you) when it appears that we are spinning our wheels.
I am so glad you trip to the beach was so positive!
Love you much!
Goodnight.
Dad